The food that made an Empahr

The public houses of our island are festooned in banners celebrating 'the beer that made an Empire', and so for my first dinner back in the Second City of the said, Glasgow, I decided to join in this culinary festival. I made a dish of that traditional hale and hearty lumpy-mash-based stuff that sent Britain's sons exploring, conquering, and looting the four corners of the world. They crossed oceans in buckets, clambered mountains, marched beneath the cruel sun of Rajastan, battled the ferocious Naringi-Burbas of the Sudan; and for what? For riches? No! You should have seen what we paid the boys in red who gave us command of the riches of the world, it's a laugh. For glory? No! We threw our soldiers out of public houses and jeered them in the streets! For the good of humanity? Pshaw! *Slapping of thighs in merriment*

No, it was for a cause far more profound than such vanities: to find somewhere where they would never and could never be served old-fashioned British dinners. Three cheers for us!



Take three good-sized potatoes, wash, peel, cut into lumps and put on the boil. While they're boiling, slice up a decent-sized onion or most of a big one, and a pack of white mushrooms. Cut up a couple of back-rashers, and half a good handful of cherry tomatoes. (Tomatoes, it is true, aren't traditional British food. If you want to keep it authentic, get some South African or Nigerian ones, certified Unfair Trade. I mean, empire must have some perks, right?) Oil up a frying pan (at this point the potatoes should want another ten minutes or so) and start with the onions, adding the mushrooms, the bacon, and finally the tomatoes as you go.

When the potatoes slide off a knife, drain them, dice them up a bit finer, and mash thoroughly. Then chuck in the contents of the frying pan, season well, and stir together. This recipe is good for two or even three helpings: if after half of it you feel an urge to march on Khartoum, that means it's working.